ABOUT THIS OFFICE
The most important office in the history of offices. Many people are saying this.
Why We Exist
For too long, the problems of hardworking Americans have gone unlooked-into. The leaf blowers. The cold McNuggets. The neighbor who parks slightly over the line. These are real problems. Tremendous problems. And nobody was doing anything about them.
That changes now.
The Office of Looking Into Things was established to ensure that every grievance — no matter how small, no matter how petty, no matter how deeply personal — receives the full weight of presidential attention it deserves.
We look into things. That's what we do. Nobody looks into things better than us. It's not even close.
How We Got Here
Hereby established the Office of Looking Into Things. Directed all relevant agencies to begin looking into things immediately. Tremendous things. The best things.
Expanded the definition of 'things' to include neighbor disputes, food-related grievances, pet behavior, technology failures, and weather complaints. Also traffic.
Required that every submitted complaint receive a personal presidential response within a reasonable timeframe. Defined 'reasonable' as 'very fast, maybe the fastest ever.'
Prohibited the deep state from interfering with the looking-into of things. They were doing it. Everybody knows. We stopped it.
Following a surge in complaints regarding autonomous vacuum devices, expanded jurisdiction to cover all sentient-seeming household appliances. We're watching them.
This website is a work of political satire and parody. It is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or connected to any actual government office, political figure, or official body of any kind.
All 'presidential responses' are AI-generated parody text. No actual president has reviewed, approved, or is aware of your complaint about the self-checkout machine.
Submitting a complaint does not create any legal obligation, governmental record, or official case file. Your Roomba is still on its own.
Any resemblance to actual executive orders, government agencies, or political rhetoric is entirely intentional and constitutionally protected as satire.
Ready to have your problem looked into?
SUBMIT YOUR COMPLAINT →